So, a black woman has caught your eye, and you’d love to spend more time with her. But you feel a bit unprepared because she is black. Don’t know how exactly to behave and deal with her? Then remember this.
Dating a black woman is no different from dating any other woman. Ultimately, it is a woman you are with. A normal person whom you should see without the race card attached. Whatever garbage the media and society feed you is far away from reality. Treat her with dignity and respect, and you’ll do just fine. She will love you for the person you are, not for your race.
Do whatever you need to so that you can charm the woman off her feet. But more than that, we firmly believe you should also know what not to do when you are dating a black woman.
Stereotypes Against Black Women
1. Black Women Are Aggressive
An old saying goes, “Don’t start none, won’t be none.” In Malcolm X’s 1962 speech, “Who taught you to hate yourself?” he says that the most disrespected woman in America is the black woman, and it is unfortunately very much true even today.
People have this misconception that black women are just angry for no reason. They are just loud and obnoxious. They go through life being disrespected and disregarded because of both their race and their gender.
Moreover, they are second-guessed at every turn and ignored until they walk into a space of a different race. Then all the eyes are staring at them, and it is not because of some ‘black girl magic’ but because people believe the hype and assume that a black woman will start some trouble.
However, black women are very aware of being disrespected and will call you out for it. Back to our first point, “Don’t start none, won’t be none.”
2. Mammy, Jezebel, & Sapphire
These are the three stereotypes against black women that return to the screen over and over again. The mammy is probably the most familiar to people. It is usually a maid, heavy, taking care of people, taking care of the family.
She is asexual, really doesn’t have a life of her own, and is only there to support the family she is working for. One of the most famous examples is Mammy from Gone With The Wind. She is portrayed as someone who’s always seeking out to put her own desires, own needs for other families.
The second stereotype is Jezebel, someone who is generally oversexualized. Her only power is in her body and the influence she has over men. She sighs, has sharp features, and always brings out the oohs and aahs from men, just through her presence.
And finally, the Sapphire character which is seen on TV and in movies more than anything else. The Sapphire is usually a sharp-tongued, manipulative woman who emasculates her husband. There was a character called Sapphire on ‘The Amos and Andy Show.’
She became one of the major reasons why the black woman was metamorphosed into someone who is sassy and doesn’t take anything from anybody. Remember that every black woman is different, and you just cannot condense them into the three categories above.
It would be highly ignorant to assume that all black women are like how the media has portrayed and continues to portray them.
3. The Superhuman Superwoman
You know her because you’ve seen her so many times. She’s bold, fierce – an unflinching, seemingly invincible black lady. In the media, you can see the idea that the black woman is a superwoman. The caricature isn’t only used to shape fictional personalities in pop culture.
It’s also a standard to which society holds all black women. And it is the same mindset that has been passed down to black women from generation to generation. However, there is a problem. It is not very sustainable if a person starts living by thinking they are an emotional superhuman.
This superwoman syndrome of suffering in silence and seemingly limitless emotional strength and this portrayal of conquering everything put black women under unnecessary stress in real life. Thus, black women often bundle up their emotions and huddle them into some corner of their consciousness to avoid looking ‘weak.’
As a black woman’s date or partner, we only have one thing to say to you, and we cannot stress this enough. Treat her as a human being—a normal woman. If you find her trying to live up to the superhuman facade, tell her how it is absolutely okay to cry and have a bad phase.
It will be good for her mental health in the long run.
4. She Is From A Troubled Family
For this one, even a lot of black people are to blame. Time and again, innumerous, insensitive jokes have been cracked by people around the hypothetical narrative that most black women end up being a single parent after the black man runs off to some other woman.
We’ve seen both black and non-black people create, narrate, and enjoy such anecdotes. The story revolves around how the black woman bears all the hardships of pregnancy, parenting, and whatnot, alone. As a result, the child grows up in a poor household without both the parents’ care.
The mother is usually busy working on getting food on the table, and the black child falls into bad company, drugs, crime, etc. So, many people think that when they are dating a black person, they are doing some social service by being with them, giving them a loving environment, etc.
Do you realize how many things are wrong with these narratives and the assumptions that follow them? Just because the woman you are dating is black doesn’t mean she is from a troubled family. Being black doesn’t have anything to do with having a troubled background or the man deserting the pregnant woman.
It can happen to anyone, irrespective of their race, gender, or religion.
What To Expect When You Date A Black Woman
1. Spend A Lot Of Time And Money On Hair
This is a vast topic that comes with many subparts and footnotes, but we will keep it simple. Don’t touch their hair unless you are authorized. Black women spend a lot of time, energy, effort, and money on their hair.
They do not need you to catch them off guard by sticking your hands up in there and messing up an unsecured track or messing up a perfectly coiffed afro. They don’t want it, they don’t need it, and you shouldn’t do it. Black hair comes in all different types, lengths, and textures.
You should know that your woman can go to the beauty salon, aka the parlor or the shop at 8 am to get her hair done, and you may not see her until all the street lights are on and it is dinner time or maybe even well past.
Also, it is possible that you may not recognize her immediately when she comes back with her new braids or length or whatever she and her hairdresser cooked up in the last 12 hours. Then there is the hair care day that happens at home. If it is the wash day, your woman might not leave the house at all.
The day is spent washing, detangling, deep conditioning, twisting, curling, and doing all sorts of stuff to ensure that the folks outside do not see her as some crazy woman. The best you can do is to not complain about it.
2. Hold Their Mother In Really High Regard
Their relationships with their mothers are very secret and special. Most of them hold their mothers in very high regard. They see their mother as a teacher, a coach, support, a rock, caretaker, protector, a guide…….you get the idea. The list goes on and on.
What you shouldn’t do is ever fix your mouth to say anything negative about her or disrespect her. Many people talk rudely with their mothers ever since they learned to talk. Make sure to mend your ways if you are one of them because a mother loving black woman or any person who loves and respects their mother doesn’t even know what that’s like.
They don’t understand disrespecting your mother, and it baffles them to no end. All black women have that one story about when they thought they were all grown up, lost their minds, and tried it with mom. Let’s say that story doesn’t end well for most of them.
Quite frankly, they are still scared of getting a whooping from their mom. Even if they fight with their mom or complain about something, you better not get involved. Your best bet is to keep your mouth shut, sit back, listen, and empathize if you can.
They really don’t want any advice on their moms. You can also assume this rule to be true for other beloved family members of a black woman.
3. Hate The N-Word!
Never use the n-word. Not in jest, not in anger, not in passing, not while rapping a song, not with a hard R as in n***er and not with an A that amounts to n***a, not in the house, not with a mouse, not with a goat, not on the boat. Just do not use it.
And if your argument is that “black people use it among themselves, then why can’t I?”, may god help you. First of all, you aren’t here to copy what the black people do, and secondly, those black people are stupid. We won’t say uneducated, because even some of the educated lot tends to use it.
They are just plain stupid not to let the usage of an offensive racial slur go obsolete when there has been a whole movement out there for centuries demanding equality for black people. And if you find the black girl you plan on dating, use the n-word, correct her politely but immediately.
4. Assume You Don’t Know Her At All
Hey, guess what? Black women and black people come in all different shapes, sizes, shades, skills, moods, and personalities. You might have known some black people in the past, but don’t think that you know all of them because you knew some. That will be your epic downfall.
If you try to treat a real-life black woman like some ridiculous stereotype the media has been feeding you for years, you will get your feelings hurt pretty quickly. Whatever assumptions you bring into the scenario, it is better to leave them at the door and start as if you don’t know anything.
Use this as an opportunity to know the woman you are thinking of dating and not to brag what you happen to know about black people.
What Not To Say To A Black Woman
1. “I always wanted to try a black girl.”
So you don’t want to take her out, date her, or love her, but want to ‘try’ her? Hmm, interesting.
2. “You are so exotic.”
No, she is not. She is not a foreign animal, and this isn’t a forest.
3. “I love chocolate and brown sugar.”
Do you? Have a ton of it and die.
4. “Can you twerk?”
Yeah, because she is black and she’s got curves, she’s twerking all day. She twerks to work and even twerks on the bus back home. Just because certain black pop stars and celebrities do it, don’t expect every black girl at a party to rap and dance.
5. “Yaaas bitch.”
While you are at it, why don’t you click your fingers too? And whom do you think you are calling a bitch?
6. “Omg I love your hair”……….while touching them
She appreciates you appreciating her hair, but could you just keep your hands away? Please respect her personal space. She is not a toy.
7. “You don’t sound black.”
The last time we checked, black wasn’t an accent. Or were you expecting her to use cuss words and N-bombs in every sentence?
8. “How do you say this in African ?”
Africa is a continent with many different languages and cultures, so people who say this need to be educated before opening their mouths.
9. “Why are you so aggressive?”
If she is expressing and asserting herself in a situation where anyone else would, then no, she isn’t the aggressive one. Your mindset is.
10. “You are a strong black woman.”
Yes, she might be a strong woman, but what has her being black anything to do with it? Or were you picturing how the media portrays Oprah Winfrey and Michelle Obama?
Society thinks that they can bash black women, devalue them, and make jokes about them, laugh at them, and they’ll be fine because it’s okay. It is NOT okay. Just because a handful of people might behave a certain way, it doesn’t mean that they represent the whole black community.
Being black is already hard enough due to a lot of prejudices people have. It is something that cannot be explained to non-black people. So the least one can do is to make sure that we are not adding to the bad experiences of a person with stupid behavior.